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Jokes help us abstract from bad news and realize the truth through the ridicule of problems. If you want to talk about it in general, but are worried about lack of time or knowledge base, just say write my capstone project and your problems and doubts will be solved.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over t the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT, " but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator or warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The air bag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps(now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."
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HERE ARE SOME THINGS WE'VE ALL LEARNT FROM THE MOVIES:
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
HAMMER
A man is in court waiting trial. The clerk of sessions stands up and begins reading out the charges against him. "On the 1st May, this year you took a hammer and killed your wife."
A voice from the back of the court yells out: 'You mongrel!'
The judge asks for quiet.
The clerk continues: 'Then you took the hammer and killed your mother in law.'
The voice from the back calls out again: 'You slimy mongrel bastard!'
The judge asks the bailiff to bring to interlocutor to the front of the court.
When he gets there the judge asks him what he is yelling in court about.
'Well,' said the man, 'I live in the house across the street and just last week when I wanted to borrow his hammer he said he didn't have one.'
WENDY
John really loved Wendy, so he decided to prove it by having her name tattooed on his penis for her birthday. After dinner, he showed it to her in all its glory. WENDY, tattooed on his penis. Wendy thought it was beaut. Even when it was detumescent and all you could see was WY.
Later on, John was in a public toilet when he noticed that the bloke peeing beside him also had WY tattooed on his dick. John was at once suspicious and curious. 'Is your girlfriend's name Wendy?'
'No,' said the other bloke, 'I've never had a sheila called Wendy. Why?'
'Well, it's your tattoo,' said John as he rather proudly revealed his own.
'Great,' said the bloke. 'Very impressive.'
'You can only see WY,' said John, 'but when I get an erection it says WENDY. What does yours say?'
'Well, it's a bit of a mouthful. It says: WELCOME TO WOOLLOOMOOLOO AND HAVE A NICE DAY.'
GOOD NEWS
A man entered hospital to have a minor operation on his toe. When he woke up he was looking at a grim-faced doctor. The doctor said to the patient, 'I have some good news and some bad news.'
'Okay,' said the patient. 'Let me have the bad news first.'
'Well, when we had a look at your toe we found your whole leg had gangrene, so we had to amputate it. But while I went out of the theatre to wash my hands, the nurse turned the table around. So when I came back I accidentally amputated the right leg instead of the left. When I realised the mistake I then took the other leg off.'
'That's terrible,' said the patient. 'Now tell me the good news.'
'The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.'
PARROT
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"
SUPER-CONVENTION
All the superheros, Batman, Spiderman, Atom man, The Flash, etc, decided to have a convention and talk about crime in the cities. They all turned up at the appointed hour except Superman. Batman kept looking at his watch and asking Spiderman had he heard anything. 'It's not like Superman to be late, he's very punctual.'
Eventually half an hour late, Superman flies in through the window. Batman asks, 'Where have you been?'
'Well on the way over here I was flying over some apartment buildings, just minding my own business when I noticed, with my x-ray vision, Wonder woman lying on the bed naked, flat on her back. I could hardly believe it and I started flying around and around the building getting more and more excited until finally I could stand it no longer, and flew in right through the open window, Whumph! On top of her.'
'Wow, I bet she was surprised!'
'Yeah but not as much as The Invisible Man.'
LEGS IN THE AIR
Little Johnny's pet rooster had died when he got home from school. Rigour mortis had set in and the legs were sticking up in the air. When his father came home he asked him, "Why are the legs sticking up in the air dad?'
His father, thinking quickly, said, 'Johnny, that is so God in his infinite wisdom can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.
'Gee, Dad, that's great,' said Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out yelling, 'Dad, Dad, we almost lost Mum today!'
'What do you mean, Johnny?'
'Well, Dad, I happened to come home from school early and walked into your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back, legs in the air yelling "Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming." And if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure.'
PAINTED WHITE
A young Aboriginal lad observed that there seemed to be some advantages in being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over. He went and showed his mother who roused on him, and told him to go and show his father. This he did, and his father not only roared at him for being so silly, but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way. The boy went and sat on his front step pondering his position and feeling very miserable. His mate came along and asked him what was wrong.
'I've only been a white kid for half an hour,' he replied, 'and I hate those black bastards already.'
FARMER AND BULL
An old farmer was worried about his favourite bull. It was ignoring the cows. So he went to the vet and got some medicine. Next day he was telling a neighbour about it. 'I gave that Brahmin of mine one dose and within half an hour he'd serviced eight cows.'
'Blimey,' said the neighbour, 'what's the stuff called?'
'Well, the label's come off the bottle,' said the farmer, 'but it tastes like peppermint.'
THE GIFT.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after very careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Grace Brothers and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
ps The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the "OTHERS" here for?
Clones are people two.
Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out okay.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, could that be considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people "appear" to be bright, until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
SENTENCED
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got up and checked around the house, trying to find where he might be.
Then, she heard sobbing coming from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked.
Wiping his eyes, her husband replied: "Remember 20 years ago, when I got you pregnant?"
"Of course," she said.
"And remember when your father the judge threatened to put me in jail for 20 years if I didn't marry you?"
"Yes..." she replied.
"Well," he said, sobbing uncontrollably, "I just realized that yesterday would have been my release date!"
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Bumper stickers for a new Age
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a carton. Coincidence?
THE PLAN
In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odour there of."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength," And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.
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NEW EMPLOYEE
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and Tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
SONY INVENTS HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES FOR YOUR PC:
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
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Doctor Gary had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Gary, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Gary, you're a vet."
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These are things people actually said in court,word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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