1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with this odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey "
. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:"Do ye want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do ye want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't, Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. Ye mean to tell me that when ye die ye don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
O'Toole worked in the timber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber."
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting at a busy street crossing, watching the traffic cop. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this many times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy called over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" .
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the F'cking map again.".
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines - one line for the men who were the true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives disappeared into the horizon, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," He then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine over the week until on Friday, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a Litre of milk or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with big hips, long legs and who always agrees with everything I say."
Some thoughts to make you smile
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you..
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time , but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"--
Here are some old Tommy Cooper jokes 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5 . I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11 . Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12 . 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve loses his balance, falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife.
"Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Tooheys.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies."
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a crate of beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Tooheys you are'.
A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"
The constable replies, "It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel nine losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market. We're taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.".
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, obliges. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says, "The egg timer's broken.".
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits
The Stella Awards - America at its very best!
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded US $2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award.The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.
The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet with the right attorney you could win anything!
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little s#t was Ms. Robertson's own son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him Undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.6
. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $5 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. And the winner is: Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
The CEO of Inghams manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it."
And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Tip Top Account.".
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches ...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and livea new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I needa new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said,"Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9- 1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though.
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
6. If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
11. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
12. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
13. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
14. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
16. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
17. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
18. How is it possible to have a civil war?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
20. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
21. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
22. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
23. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
We should take a cab.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
. A young Irish woman went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The daughter took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer the sacrament of extreme unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Pushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed smiling.
"Did you say prostitute?...I thought you said PROTESTANT."
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter,
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor told them."We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed."
You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired."
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head "We're not welcome at Bunnings either."
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
Talking dog for sale
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he Pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you for contempt."
Jimmy the Aboriginal
A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that He wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said,
"I have a 15 ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool."
Dear Technical Support,18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications,such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS+xPlus and Cleanhouse 2003.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter,and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche911 o rMercedes Estate hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of Money before uninstalling itself. Please advise ASAP .
Skinny Dipping In The Pond...
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "A Coconut" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
"Harry: "A Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "A Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "An Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "A Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."
.Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE !
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."